Reflections poem As I Grew Older, by Langston Hughes

As I Grew Older by Langston Hughes

It was a long time ago.

I have almost forgotten my dream.

But it was there then,

 In front of me,

Bright like a sun—

My dream.

And then the wall rose,

Rose slowly,

Slowly,

Between me and my dream.

Rose until it touched the sky—

The wall.

Shadow.

 I am black.

 I lie down in the shadow.

No longer the light of my dream before me,

Above me.

Only the thick wall.

Only the shadow.

My hands!

My dark hands!

Break through the wall!

Find my dream!

Help me to shatter this darkness,

To smash this night,

To break this shadow

Into a thousand lights of sun,

Into a thousand whirling dreams

 Of sun! –

            I understand this poem very well.  When I was a child, I went to a newly integrated school for third grade. I was the only black child in the class. I didn't think anything of it, at first. People were just people to me. White or black, it made no difference.  I went to school to learn.  There, I made excellent grades, straight A’s. One day one of my classmates walked up to me and placed a copper penny against my skin. She wanted to compare my complexion to it.  The penny was darker than me.  Another girl told me that I was black, and because I was black, I was dumb and stupid.  I asked her, “Who told you that”?  She said her parents did.  Then I told her, “I am making straight A’s in school, while you are making C’s.” Then I asked her, “If I am dumb and stupid, then what are they saying about you”? 

Just like Langston’s poem, no matter how well I performed in school, I would always be judged by my color.  No matter how fair I was, I was black. And because I was black, I would be looked down upon by white people.  This was the first time I became aware of what it meant to be black. 

 I attended a segregated school during my first two years of elementary school.  My books were old and ripped up. My black teachers were concerned about my education.  They stayed with me after school to make sure I learned my times tables.  So the next year, when I did go to the new school, I was far ahead of the other white students in third grade.

It was not easy being black in a newly integrated school.  At recess the other children refused to play with me, so I would sit on a log while they played. Sitting alone didn't bother me.  I was the contemplative type.  But because I wasn't bothered, the other child decided to taunt me.  So they came close and formed a circle and chanted, “Tick tock, the game is locked. Nobody else can play but us.  If they do, we’ll take our shoe and beat them till they’re black and blue.  Tick tock.” It’s amazing! That’s been over 50 years ago.  I still remember their chant.  They probably have long forgotten it.

As I grew up, I saw the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960’s.  In the early 70’s, I attended Kenyon College, a private college in Gambier, Ohio, where I was one of the six black students who attended there.  As an adult, I worked for AT&T and was the first woman to be employed as an engineer building the outside facilities, such as pole lines and manholes. Not only had I entered a man’s world, I had entered a white man’s world. My peers refused to provide me with any training or assistance. They simply showed me the location of the library. I became one of the best engineers, since all of my knowledge was the latest information.

Hard work shines through the darkness.  It breaks through the tall walls that the white man built.  They tried to hold me back by giving me outdated and worn books in school. They tried by withholding their expertise. They thought they were hurting me, but I still advanced. Soon I was promoted to project manager and they ended up being supervised by me. Nevertheless, I was still black. And my color would always be a wall for me to break through to reach white people.  

White people had worked with white servants and Indian slaves before, but these attempts failed. While working as slaves, black people demonstrated their strength, endurance, and deep-seated faith. No other race accomplished what these slaves were able to accomplish nor was able to endure the harshness these slaves endured. Their white masters feared what black people could accomplish should they have access to an education. So they forbade them to be taught to read. Actually, the white people are the ones standing in the shadow of the wall of discrimination. They built the wall because they were afraid of black people, afraid to face them on equal footing, afraid of the shadow the black man might cast.